mm 

Little 

Book 

of 

Bores 


By 

Oliver 

Herford 





Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
in  2015 


https://archive.org/details/littlebookofboreOOherf 


A LITTLE  BOOK 
OF  BORES 


BOOKS  BY  OLIVER 

HERFORD 

WITH  PICTURES  BY  THE 

AUTHOR 

PUBLISHED  BY  CHARLES  SCRIBNER’S  SONS 

THE  BASHFUL  EARTHQUAKE 

. . . .$1.25 

A CHILD’S  PRIMER  OF  NATURAL  HIS- 

TORY 

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A LITTLE  BOOK  OF  BORES  . 

. . net , $1.00 

A Little  Book 
of  Bores 

liver  erford 


With  Pictures  by 
the  Author 


New  York  • Published  by 

Charles  Scribner’s  Sons 


Copyright,  1906 , by 

OLIVER  HERFORD 


Published,  October,  1906 


THE  TROW  PRESS 


NEW  YORK 


A 

Little  Book 
of 

Bores 


A is  the  Autograph  Bore 
Whom  Authors  so  loudly  deplore, 
Tho’  it’s  probable  quite, 

If  the  Dears  ceased  to  write, 
They’d  deplore  even  more  than 
before. 


B is  a Bounder  Blase 
Who  likes  to  appear  quite  au-fait, 
He  purses  his  lips, 

As  his  Rhine  wine  he  sips, 
Though  he  doesn’t  know  Hock 
from  Tokay. 


C’s  a Critic — Far  be  it  from  me 
With  a time-honoured  craft  to  make 
free. 

All  Praise  1 accord 
Good  Critics — but  Lord ! 

What  a Bore  a Bad  Critic  can  be ! 


D is  a Decadent  Dreary 
Whose  works  are  depressing  & eerie 
If  you  ask  his  Excuse 
For  Existence,  or  Use, 

I fear  I can’t  answer  your  query. 


8 


E is  the  Egotist  Dread 

Who,  as  someone  has  wittily  said, 
Will  talk  till  he’s  blue 
About  Himself  when  you 
Want  to  talk  about  Yourself  instead. 


10 


F’s  a Familiar  Friend 
Who  loves  Free  Advice  to  extend; 
Says  he,  for  my  part 
1 know  nothing  of  Art 
But  1 know  what  I like,  my  good 
Friend. 


12 


G is  a Grumbler  Gruff 
Whom  everything  puts  in  a huff; 
If  perchance  he  shall  gam 
Heaven’s  Gate  he’ll  complain 
Of  his  Halo  or  Harp  like  enough. 


14 


H is  a Humorist  glum. 

Why  sits  he  so  doleful  and  dumb  ? 
He’s  inventing  some  gay 
Impromptu  to  say 

When  the  Opportune  Moment  shall 
come. 


16 


is  the  Intensely  Intense 
Who  dilates  on  the  “Where”  and 
the  “Whence” 

The  “Wherefore”  & “Why” 
And  the  “Ego”  (or  “I”) 

Not  to  mention  the  “Hither”  and 
“ Hence.” 


18 


j is  a Johnnie,  a Thing 

Much  affected  by  Fairies  who  Sing. 

He  is  human  in  Shape, 

With  the  Brain  of  an  Ape, 

And  attached  as  a rule  to  a String. 


20 


K is  the  Kaiser  unnerving, 

With  the  terrible  moustache  upcurv- 
ing. 

One  Man  who  can  bore 
A Planet  and  more 
Is  surely  of  mention  deserving. 


22 


L’s  the  Loquacious  variety 
Who  is  found  in  all  sorts  of  Society. 
He  drinks  in  the  sound 
Of  his  own  Voice  till  drown’d 
In  a species  of  self-inebriety. 


24 


M’s  a methodical  man 
Who  talks  with  precision  and  plan. 
Have  a care  how  you  balk 
The  stream  of  his  talk, 

Lest  he  go  back  to  where  he  began. 


26 


N is  a Newly  Rich  Boor, 

An  affliction  that  few  can  endure. 
Some  cases,  with  care 
And  complete  change  of  Heir, 
Take  Three  Generations  to  cure. 


28 


O is  an  Optimist  glad 

Who  doesn’t  know  how  to  be  sad. 

If  he  wakes  up  some  day 

In  Hades,  he’ll  say 

“Well  really  it  isn’t  so  bad ! ” 


30 


P’s  a Poetical  Bore 

Who  recites  his  own  Lines  by  the 
score. 

The  Ladies,  poor  Dears, 

Are  all  moved  to  Tears 
And  Strong  Men  are  moved — to 
the  Door. 


32 


Q is  a Quoter  who’ll  cite 
His  favorite  authors,  all  night. 

Tho’  glowing  with  Thought, 

Like  the  Moon  he  is  naught 
But  a second-hand-dealer  in  Light. 


34 


R’s  a Rabid  Reformer  whose  prose 
Insures  you  a health-giving  doze, 
One  wouldn’t  much  mind 
If  he’d  only  be  kind 
And  NO  I slam  the  door  when  he 
goes. 


36 


S is  a Socialist  rude 

Who  subsists  on  leguminous  food, 

Which  he  shyly  explains 

So  enlarges  his  brains 

Even  Shakespeare  beside  Him  is  crude. 


38 


X is  the  Terrible  Tot 
Who  says  things  he’d  much  better 
not. 

A Thing  of  that  age 

Should  be  kept  in  a cage 

And  fed  (if  at  all)  through  a slot. 


40 


U is  the  Uncoguid  Man 
And  all  his  unspeakable  clan 
With  their  “ Braw  Bonnie  Brae, 
Bide-awee,  Scots  Wha  Hae — 
Aweel,  Dinna-ken,  and  Hoot-man 


42 


V is  a Vain  Virtuoso. 

If  you  ask,  4 Pray  what  makes  your 
hair  grow  so, 

Do  you  think  it's  a sign 
Of  Genius  divine  ? ’ 

He  replies  “I  don’t  think  so,  I know  so.” 


44 


W’s  a well  informed  wight 
Who  loves  to  set  everyone  right. 

If  a word  you  misspell 
Or  misquote — he  will  swell 
With  Chastened  and  Holy  delight. 


46 


X is  for  Xmas,  a dear 
Old  Impostor  who  comes  once  a year, 
With  Wassails  and  Wishes 
And  death-dealing  Dishes 
And  Chilblains  and  Chimes  and  Good 
Cheer. 


48 


Y is  the  Yodeler  whose  Yell 
Wakes  the  Echo  on  Mountain  or 
Fell. 

“ Poor  Echo ! ” 1 say, 

“To  be  wakened  each  day 

By  a Sound  like  a Feline  unwell.’’ 


50 


z is  the  Zealot  whose  Zeal 
Takes  the  form  of  “An  urgent 
Appeal.’’ 

Tho’  you  wriggle  and  squirm 

And  protest,  he  sits  firm 

Till  he  lands  you  at  last  like  an  Eel. 


52 


! 


-3^ 


GETTY  CENTER  LIBRARY 


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